Funny story

[ellanoize]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

[ellanoize]

There was a middle aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

[statstar]

Hey let me tell a funny one, Cap't,

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?!!" exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"Four cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?!!" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

[ellanoize]

I decided that I needed a few days off and realized that I had run out
of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send
me home was to act a little crazy, thinking he'd think I was burning out
and give me some time off.
I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from
the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde-it'll be
important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.
"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light
bulb."
A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out.
My blonde coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was
going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.

[ellanoize]

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!! Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at
this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead.
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this
story
of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have
their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed
the
car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of
people
near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs
protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his
lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic,
however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[ellanoize]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.

I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? "

he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...."

[ellanoize]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

[statstar]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the Old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[ellanoize]

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I?m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.






Employer's response:......
Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check

[cherrysmum]

A big woman, wearing a sundress walked into an Irish pub and plopped down on a bar stool. She raised her arm up in the air, revealing a very hairly armpit, and shouted, "who wants to by a lady a pint"..The bar became very quiet, and down at the far end of the bar a little fella quite drunk replied, "I'll buy the darlin ballerina a pint. She downed the pint in record time, and once again raised her arm up in the air and shouted again, "who'll by a lady a pint"...again the little drunk at the end of the bar said barkeep give the darling ballerina another pint. After serving the gal, the barkeep walked up to the little drunk, and asked him,"why do you keep referring to that woman as a ballerina?..The drunk replied, "anyone that can kick their leg up that high has got to be a ballerina

<font color="#000000" size="1">[ July 03, 2005 09:49 PM: Message edited by: cherrysmum ]</font>